Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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