I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
