I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
