In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
