So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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