toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
