He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
