alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
