There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it was like eating out sand paper
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
