Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
