she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Vodka?
Forever.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
