i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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