Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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