So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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