She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
