i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
