First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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