I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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