I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
