Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
