i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Randomize
