Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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