he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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