Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
