I cannot find my penis.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
