I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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