What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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