feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
