R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize