There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
