Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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