whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
