I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
