So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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