when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
