Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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