I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
