dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
