this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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