Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
