She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
