i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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