i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
