and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
