i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
sex in a hospital.. check
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
