I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
