Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
