He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
