there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
