every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
