ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
