I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
