Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
