I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
