It's like God shit irony all over that family
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
