Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
