I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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