I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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