you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
