Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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