Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
