i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
