Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
