a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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