Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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