Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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