So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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