Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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