I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
