i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
