Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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